Sweet Triathlete: Yes, I Eat Tastykakes

“What,” my coworker asked, “is that?”

I panicked for a second—crap, I knew it was only a matter of time before I got bugs in my office—until I realized that all she was pointing at was some empty cellophane.

“Oh, that,” I said, relieved. “That was a Tastykake.” A dollop of buttercream icing still clung to one of the corners of the wrapper. I wondered if it would be inappropriate to lick it off in front of her.

And then came one of the most disturbing things anyone has ever said to me.

“You…eat Tastykakes?”

I realize most people would take this as a compliment. Besides, hardly a day goes by when I’m not swimming, running or biking (or ice skating, snowboarding, or lifting), and I race pretty much year-round. But while the way I identify as an athlete has changed over time (from high school swimmer to college runner to desk-chair surfer/cyclist/triathlete, not to mention that unfortunate stint as a gymnast in second grade…), there’s one thing I’ve always known I’m not: a Person Who Does Not Eat Tastykakes.

Even so, I struggled to come up with a proper response.

I could have explained that I grew up outside Philadelphia—home of the Tasty Baking Company itself (for now, anyway) as well as the Save the Tastykake Facebook group*—where peeling the butterscotch icing off a Krimpet was as much of a lunchtime ritual as chanting “Oooooooooh!” when a classmate dropped a tray.**

I could have pointed her toward this wonderfully candid interview with elite runner Julia Lucas, which pretty much sums up what it’s like to be a collegiate distance runner who’s willing to eat a piece of pie in public:

“I’d find myself eating more, or eating junkier food, just to kind of prove to [my teammates] it was OK. I’d eat for them…I’d see it as my mission to beat girls on other teams who were losing too much weight. It was a huge source of motivation.”

(In other words: Yes, I’m faster than you…and I eat dessert too! BWAHAHA!)

I might have simply mentioned how well the chocolate cupcakes pair with stout.

Instead, what I said was:

“Um, yes. I do. I mean, sometimes. [Awkward pause.] And they’re buy one, get one free at Giant this week!”

The truth is, I love Tastykakes. And tofu. And biking. And baking. And I don’t believe that any of these things are mutually exclusive. Which is why—once back in the privacy of my mess—I made sure that last bit of buttercream was disposed of properly. Yum.

All was well until few days later when, after a lunchtime ride, I opened another cupcake package, only to be greeted by a sight as disappointing as it was disgusting: fuzzy frosting. It turns out that while a Twinkie may last forever, the big T's cream-filled chocolate cupcakes will grow mold if neglected.***

I guess I’m not eating enough Tastykakes.

*Our motto: “We will never die, Little Debbie, so get that out of your little head!”

**If I ever did this to you, I’m sorry.

***So that’s why Giant had them on sale. Bastards.